In a shock announcement made yesterday the World Organization for Right and Decent Speech (W.O.R.D.S.), disclosed that similes are to be struck from usage in 315 of the World's languages ( including English ) . The ban is to become effective immediately
It is now illegal to make straightforward comparisons twixt Thieves and Thickness, Mustard and Keenness, Buttons and Brightness or even Foxes and Cunning.
Speaking at a press conference from W.O.R.D.S headquarters in Bhutan W.O.R.D.S spokesperson Dr.Hans Kneezand-Boompzadaizees officially stated, "For far too long now we have been using these ridiculous outbursts called similes. They are outmoded and superfluous and hold no place in the modern world, a place where a plain and simple language free from all embroidery is all that is really needed for our effective communication with second or even third parties ".
A sharp intake of breath from authors and tabloid journalists everywhere was said to have been heard as far away as Andalucia.
On behalf of the B.B.C a Mr John Motson ( football commentator extraordinaire and Guinness record holder for the longest time spent in a sheepskin jacket ) issued a statement saying that he and the rest of the Beeb were, " As sick as a parrot ". He was cautioned but later released without charge.
It is rumored that the banning of similes is not the only long term change to be implemented by W.O.R.D.S in the near future. In a report leaked to The Moon Dr. Bumpzadaizees suggests that the apostrophe should also face the chop.
This news was however welcomed by literary circles as even the most highly regarded writers still slip into the bad habit of inserting needless apostrophes into plurals and other words which do not indicate possession or the omission of one or more letters.
In this written report, Dr. Bumpzadaizees highlights * The need to reduce the stres's on writer's to be 100% correct in their spelling's and punctuationess at all time's *. And in a later paragraph he states * I'd be as mad as a hatter if I thought that the whole of civilized society could learn the correct usage of apostrophe's *.
He then arrested himself for the hatter reference stating that the only Mad Hatter was the one in the D.H Lawrence book about the little girl, the wardrobe and the lion, and that numerous perfectly sane hatters had been lobbying parliment to rid their occupation of its mentally unstable image.
Top UK television presenteress Carol Simile was reported to be distraught at the possibility of having to change the name which made her so fertile and so famous, but was later pacified when told that it is only similes themselves that are now outlawed, and not the actual word itself. She will, however now be required by International law to change the title of her latest show "As Happy as Larry" a light hearted comedy special in which she and Larry Grayson discuss how it feels to be joyful, with help from ordinary members of the public. An appeal launched by the B.B.C claiming that Mr Grayson was a very cheerful chap, and that the shows title was not in fact a similie was rejected by W.O.R.D.S who stated that Mr Grayson has never been considered happy, but more along the lines of gay, and that was a different kettle of fish all together.
We here at The Moon weep for the passing of the poor old simile. Some people call it evolution, but we call it the beginning of the end. For what would become of mathematics if brackets were outlawed ?, what future for Shakespeare if we lose mixed metaphors ? and what lies ahead for capital cities if we are no longer required to use capital letters ?.
A Help line has been set up for those who are traumatised by this news. Please call toll free 1-800-901145, where counselling and guidance can be sought, or write to:
FREEPOST WORDSAnd the people there will send you a leaflet entitled " Coping with life with or without Similes and apostrophes " to help you through any anxiety you might experience.
169 The Bunkers
reporting for The Moon