wallace and gromit - the bastards

Multiple Oscar® winners Wallace and Gromit have been exposed after a year-long investigation into a growing number of cereal killings in Southern California.

The investigation's chief investigating officer - Special Investigator I.M. Cloulace spoke to the press today about the fruits and nuts of his labours. " We knew that the killer had been operating in Hollywood for quite some time, and that they most probably had an accomplice. It was only a matter of time before they slipped up and we found out who was behind this horrifying killing spree " .

Since the wacky pairs disappearance from the public eye after their third triumphant film The Wrong Cheese Trousers, in which Wallace and Gromit go to the moon in search of a pair of Wallace's trousers which mysteriously disappeared from a launderette in Putney sometime in 1995. Speculation had been growing as to their whereabouts.
It was during March of 1999 that officers of the law became concerned that they were in fact the evil master minds of a series of brutal slayings in and around the state of California. The twisted duos catalogue of catastrophic crimes reads as follows:

    Wallace and Gromit's trail 'O' death

  • March 17th 1999 - A whole packet of Golden Grahams found strangled and painted green in a back alley on the studio lot of Columbia Pictures. Cheese was later discovered at the scene.

  • March 28th 1999 - Three Shredded Wheat drowned in milk under suspicious circumstances near Alcatraz.

  • April 9th 1999 - Three whole boxes of Corn Flakes callously pushed from the back of a motorcycle sidecar on the busy LA freeway. They were mown down seconds later by a mobile unit in the process of filming Pixar Animation's highly successful Toy Story 2. Mr. Potato Head was initially arrested for driving without due care and attention, but he was released without any charges being brought some seven weeks later. He is now suing the Investigation Unit for deformation of character.

  • July 33rd 1999 - A trail of Crunchy Nut Bran Flakes, super glued in cold blood to the road from Warner Brothers Studios to the Hotel where a disgruntled Wallace and Gromit were said to be staying during the preliminary talks about release dates of Chicken Run.

  • September 13th 1999 - A box of Porridge Oats pushed from the top of a 12 story building in downtown L.A. The Oats fell to their death causing a nasty mess, multiple pile ups and a power cut which lasted three years.

  • December 24th 1999 - Probably the most vicious of all the crimes to date - Four crates of Frosted Flakes found beaten to death with spoons and surrounded with the strange Voodoo like effigies of a penguin and a horrifically shaven sheep.

Special Investigator Cloulace commented that he'd had his suspicions about Messrs.Wallace and Gromit right from the start, " They're toast and cheese eaters ". he said " What would they care about the feelings of cereals ? ". He went on to explain how Wallace had never quite been the same since the 'porridge' incident.. ( but to be honest, it was a bit technical, and I didn't really fully understand the rest of his statement).
The final nail was hammered home in their clay coffin, when local news reporter and well known Muesli Rights activist Emily Kellogg ( no relation ) managed to track the missing duo down by promising them an interview in the May issue of Plasticine Life. She was horrified when she arrived at the pre-arranged meeting site to find the pair knee deep in freshly slaughtered Weetabix, and immediately notified Inspector Cloulace of their location.
The two were arrested shortly afterwards.

They both face up to 100 years imprisonment or the death penalty if convicted, which for plasticine figurines is a particularly messy and unpleasant business.
Their wife, animator Nick Hyde Park was unavailable for comment, although a source close to him said that he is " distraught, and beside himself ". Mostly due to the fact that he has just successfully managed to clone himself using the same techniques he used to create the diabolical duo themselves.

A spokesperson for Aardman Animation said " We are all deeply saddened by the news, Wallace and Gromit were always easily led and it would have been quite simple for anyone to mould them into killers "

Maggie Lennard
reporting for the Moon

The Moon and all it's stories are copyrighted to the authors.
Published on the internet by Covered in Bees Productions Productions June Y2K or 062000.
The views expressed here are meant for humorous interpretation only..


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