Following allegations made by this very Internet newspaper, scientists at the prestigious London Institute of Insectology have discovered that Muppet faced 14-year-old pop sensation Craig David is rife with possibly the worst infestation of insects ever known to man.|
For many years now, it has been rumored that the pubescent self proclaimed ladies man is actually bereft of facial hair and has trained the contents of an ant farm given to him by his mother to pose as his trademark fiddly-tiddly-itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny so called beard. The truth however is far more disturbing.
Using high powered electron microscopes, the team at the prestigious London Institute of Insectology have discovered an alarming amount of other insect life being used by Mr Craig in an attempt to impress the opposite sex.
"We started by studying those nodule's on Mr Craig's head" Professor Heinz Dictyoptera explained at length. "At first it was believed that the nodule's were possibly some form of ethnic hair style, but upon closer inspection these nodule's turned out to be an arrangement of carefully placed giant blood sucking ticks, feeding on Mr David's head blood. Judging from the number of ticks present on Mr Craig's head the blood supply to his brain must be severely compromised".
It was after this shocking discovery that the team from prestigious London Institute of Insectology began to follow Mr David's every move.
"We noticed that Mr David often chooses to wear a hat, usually a warm hat of some sort. We had to know what was under the beanie, so we started recording Mr Craig's movements and spying on him with high powered telescopes in order to ascertain the truth, and we were both disgusted and yet strangely fascinated by our findings".
They noted that under the beanie Mr Craig was secretly breeding a genetically altered form of head lice. These lice were being trained by Craig to cover his entire head in a short 'crew cut' crop style. Mr Davies was also harvesting any albino lice and breeding them in a sock that he kept secreted inside his trousers. "We believe it may be for a 'Sisqo' stylee look Mr David is perfecting for the future" we were told.
In all Mr Craig is believed to host to more than 700 insects and gastropods, from the two well trained slugs that sit in an almost lifeless state above his almost lifeless eyes, to the incredible 500 million Phthirus pubis Mr David uses as a makeshift substitute for pubic hair.
"By rights Mr David should be a dead man". Professor Dictyoptera told us "We can only assume that he has evolved with these creatures and formed some kind of symbiotic relationship with them, a bit like one of those characters in the popular televisual series the Ex Philes".
We tried to contact Mr David Duchovney who plays special agent Dana Scully in the series for a comment. sadly however Mr Duchovney was unavailable for comment due to the fact that he is currently dead.
Mr Craig who married himself last month, also refused to properly comment on the findings of the prestigious London Institute of Insectology suggesting that " It was nothing more, 'scratch', than a pack 'scratch' of lies".
Mr Davids new album 'Itching to love you' is out next month.