S Club 7 - the real truth behind the S Club 7
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Since the dawn of man true EVIL had surrounded us, lurking in the darkness like a dark lurking thing, ready to pounce on any poor unsuspecting innocent fool who stumbled blindly into it's path....

The lord and master of this domain goes by many names:
Evil Hannah

  • Beezelbub
  • The Dark Lord
  • The Fallen One
  • Santa

  • and of course
  • ' The Beast '

  • But today as we fast approach the 20th century EVIL has taken not one, but SEVEN new names and lo they be:
  • Tina
  • Jon
  • Paul
  • Hannah
  • Bradley
  • Rachel
  • Jo

  • Evil Paul Not since Black Sabbath or possibly Marylou Manson has the name of a so called POP group struck so much fear into the heart and soul of decent people..
    We here at the C.I.B.P.P morality and decency department have been extensivly studying the S(atan) Club 7's demonic rise to fame, and to our dismay have discovered some terrible and EVIL things we feel the world should be aware of.

    Just like many of their EVIL forefathers and mothers such as Led Zepplin, Iron Maiden, Queen, The Beatless and Bucks Fizz, S Club 7 have been brainwashing our children's minds with subliminal backwards messages in their alleged POP songs.
    We have discovered hidden messages in many of these so called tunes and share them here with you. If you are however of either a nervous disposition or under the birth age of 30 we recommend you turn away now and save yourselves the pain and possible trauma caused by exposure to PURE S Club.
    For those of you who are pure of heart read and listen on:

    S Club Party:

    Evil Tina Hidden deep within the twisted lyrics of this 'harmless' POP tune is a wicked and scathing attack on 60's music legend and KINK Ray Davies linking him with the communist block and a prostitution ring.
    The lyrics in their normal forward form tell one story: FORWARDS

    Want to see Bradley swing ?,
    Want to see Rachel do her thing ??,
    Then we got Jo, she's got the flow,
    Get ready everybody 'cos here we go….

    S Club,
    there ain't no party like an S Club party,

    However when reversed and played BACKWARDS as say, a child might hear them you get:

    Ahhh aha, you'd lead a Russian on….
    Say, all you kids looking out for Ray Davies,
    whores like him, whores like him every year
    through a oohh, mysterious homonym
    saves batteries and all.

    Evil Jon AND also hidden inside this Satanic POP package is yet another strange and mysterious message warning the crazed ferret like creatures of the underworld to the dangers of indoor heating, whilst 'Jo' proclaims her alias ( or 'Devils' name if you will ) to the world at large whilst also admitting to an anti-Semitic love of pork products and an irrational fear of baking that she counter acts with alcohol abuse and the dispelling of a violinist.
    FORWARDS it all seems innocent enough:

    Finally Friday night,
    Feeling kinda good, looking alright,
    Gotta get moving, can't be late,
    Gotta get grooving, just can't wait.
    Get the feeling
    (Get the feeling)
    Push the ceiling.
    (Push the ceiling)
    Player haters.
    (Player haters)
    Get ready everybody cause here we go...

    However, when innocently played BACKWARDS ( or in reverse if you will ) as any choir boy may well do of an evening. The terrible truth will out:

    Evil Jo Whacky weasels.
    (look out… the radiator)
    He learned, he le, le, learned.
    (he le, le, learned…..)
    My alias is SOUP.
    (my alias is soup)
    I live for bacon.
    (I live for bacon)

    Yeah, weights that never giggle at me,
    leave, might never make that pie,
    one glug and I can listen,
    get out fiddler……

    But for sheer terror and pure EVIL you need look no further than the Dark Lords prayer that is:

    Evil Bradley
    Bring it all back:

    The sick and depraved mind behind this EVIL song can only be the cloved one himself.
    In this catchy POP tune, the S Club gang are clearly heard singing of the 'heat' in the underworld.
    There is also a reference to the late pornographic film star 'Nora Jane Barker' or 'Marilyn Munroe' who died whilst fellating former USA president J.Edgar Hoover. ( Who was later shot by Dave Lee Travis while in a parade in Dallas, Kansas ), whom it is claimed Pushed 'HIM' (Satan) whilst he 'knitted my lid' a well known 1940's phrase for the smoking of the 'Tabacco' plant.
    The lyrics then go on to detail the severe degree of dehydration experienced in the bowels of Hell and the raging thirst that cannot be quenched, like the thirst of the water hungry Orange tree.
    Reference is also made to sorting out Golf Balls (LSD tablets)and 'Hash' (a corned beef dish) being 'GOOD'
    The last section is clearly advocating the imprisonment and live boiling of shellfish in Japan, and the hygenic keeping of large flightless birds.

    FORWARDS again nothing odd:

    Hold on to what you try to be, your individuality,
    when the world is on your shoulders, just smile and let it go.
    If people try to put you down just walk on by don't turn around,
    you only have to answer to yourself.....

    Don't you know it's true what they say, that life it ain't easy,
    Evil Rachel but your time's coming around.. So don't you stop trying, DON'T.

    butBACKWARDS as any regular church goer may choose to hear it:

    Yeah, yeah.. it's hot, it's hot.
    Marilyn runs faster,
    She pushed him as he knitted my lid,
    As I was thirsty orange wood.

    Hunny, saw your useless at…
    Who's had an orange ??
    Why when I sorted out golf balls
    Said no hash be good !!,
    But hash good be too……..

    Working lobsters,
    Said "wooshing" as it all went up East,
    And I was neat neat neat all keep an Ostrich,
    (I was not burned out )

    How long can we allow this to go on ????
    What madness is this ??, Please think of the children, yours, mine, the next door neighbours.
    Can we really afford to just stand by and watch as these MONSTERS infect our childrens minds with this EVIL POPAGANDA ??

    Mary Whitehouse says

    S Club 7 - don't really worship Santa, it's just a joke so don't worry kids, those fresh faced Pans of POP are sure to be back with lots of lovely purity soon... PRAISE BE INDEED

    Contact C.I.B.P.P

    Hey kids, ever wondered what it's like to be so close to the S Club that you can smell them ?
    Well, now thanks to extensive research by scientists at the Finnish Institute of smells you can.
    Why not create the odour of your favourite S Club 7 member at home ?

    Fun for all the family !!

    'REAL' emails from the S-Club.
    ( I really did get this from their mailing list )

    So, yes... I signed up for the mailing list ( for research you understand ) and I got these:


    Hiho! Hannah here, and it's my turn to fill you in with what's been happening.
    We're having a completely mad but completely HP time - rushing here,
    there and everywhere. Although in Brad's case it's less of the rushing,
    more of the 'I'll be there in a minute guys'!

    It's not long now before Reach is released (Oh right, Tina tells
    me there are just five days to go).
    I am quite disturbed You have to check out our official web site (www.sclub.com) as there's
    a brand new section called S Music where you can watch a clip of
    our new video and sing along with the Reach songwords!

    Yesterday Jon told you about all our press interviews, well, today
    we're on the cover of the new issue of Smash Hits. You can either
    buy a copy with the girls on the front and the boys inside (hurrah!)
    or one with the boys on the front and the girls inside.

    Then tomorrow we're live on Jo Whiley's show on Radio 1. It's always
    a laugh doing something live, cos you never know what's going to
    happen or what Paul is going to say!

    Hey and guess what. We have two CDs of Reach coming out and on CD1
    there's a version of Reach which has been reworked by those Italian
    dance guys Eiffel 65. Perfect for your S Club Party!

    See ya!

    Sell, sell, sell these demons have full control of the minds of your children.
    It's all part of their EVIL plan to dominate the charts with infectious cheeky british POP music.
    Two copies of one compacted disc, that's just crazy !!


    Hi there!

    If you want the lowdown on S Club 7, there's only one person to
    come to - me, Tina! I'll fill you in on all our stories... For a
    start, has anyone told you about us filming the scene where we sing
    Reach at the beginning of LA7? We shot it standing on the roof of
    a 20-storey building - with no barriers - which had its scary moments
    when we were we doing our dance routine. Jo and Rach are not v good
    with heights, so they just made sure they didn't look down!

    Did you know that you can catch our video for Reach on the TV channel
    The Box - it's selection number 777 in case you wanted to vote for
    They ought to be ashamed us, heh heh! Meanwhile, if you fancy watching our video any time
    day or night, there's good news cos you'll find a CD-ROM version
    of the whole promo on CD1 of Reach.

    Want any more gossip? Well, when you watch today's episode of LA7
    look out for those hairy rockers who gatecrash our party in a swank
    Beverly Hills mansion. These leathery giffers were part of our film
    crew and those huge revving bikes they were driving around on were
    actually their own! Who needs actors when you have a hairy crew!
    And if you wanna know more about what went on behind the scenes
    of the show, then you should check out our official LA Diary on
    sale in a newsagent near you. But watch out for the outtakes page
    - there's some seriously plum photos of us all!

    That's all for now. I've left the others rehearsing and I bet they're all on a tea break!


    Ah, Tina - Showing all her EVIL colours there:

  • 1 - The reference to 'Hairy Rockers' or to give them their true name 'HELLS ANGELS' sent by the horny one himself to wreak havoc on good Christians.
  • 2 - The box No 777 or six plus one... 666 being the 'DEVILS' number forces the S Club ( being just that little more evil ) to add and extra 1 to the true 'Number of the Beast'.
  • 3 - The reference to a DIARY a thing of great sadness, all diaries are destined to bring the reader sorrow, Anne Frank, Laura Palmer, Adrian Mole... and now the S Club bring yet more despair into the world

  • Pure EVIL I tell you, and this diary business is pure madness !!


    Hi! It's Rachel here.
    I don't know how to follow Tina's gossip natter
    from yesterday - but I'll do my best...

    I wanted to let you know what we're up to tomorrow cos it's a very
    busy S Club 7 morning on telly. First you can catch us on FBi on
    BBC1, then straight after it's the repeat of LA7 (which is all about
    a v disastrous S Club party!). But you also have to set your video
    player cos at the same time as LA7 is showing on BBC1, we're going
    to be performing Reach on CD:UK on ITV.

    You know there are only three days left before Reach is in the shops.
    We love performing the track, cos it's such an upbeat, singalong
    tune, and we hope you like it too. Did you know that if you buy
    the single from Woolworths (whose charity Kids First we support)
    Hanging is too good for them you get a free poster of the band? And that's not all. There are
    7 spaces on the poster for you to stick on 7 stickers - which you'll
    get free if you also buy our next album 7 (which is out on June
    12) from Woolworths. Do we like the number 7 - I think so!

    Oh yes, and Tina's just asked me to let you know (thanks Teen) that
    there's an extra track on CD1 of Reach. If you watched episode 1
    of LA7, you will have heard 'I'll Be There' already. We sang it
    when we were stuck in the woods, wrapped up in blankets and woolly
    hats! Tina sings lead vocals and it's v slinky and funky!

    That's all from me for now. Don't forget to keep checking into our
    web site (www.sclub.com) because very soon you're going to have
    a chance to win the dressing robe that I wore a lot in LA7! And
    for you guys out there, it's pink, so it probably won't suit you!

    All the best
    Lots of love

    Rachel, EVIL, Rachel you wicked wicked witch, let us critique this piece of satanic prose from the Dark Princess Rachel:

  • 1 - Once again the 777 motif remains strong as this S Club minx forces the 'Number of the Beast' upon us once more, in a crude attempt at convincing children to construct an S Club altar for worship and ritual sacrifice
  • 2 - She seems to also be parading her satanic powers by appearing in two places at once, just like that kid in the X - Files who turned out to be 'The Devil' ( or Jesus, or an alien or a really big insect or something....)
  • 3 - The wearing of woolly hats and wrapping up in blankets IN LOS ANGELES !! - Oh yes, the S Club are cold here on Earth unlike in Hell, where the toasty fires of Damnation burn eternal..

    It's a nightmare of EVIL, and why exactly does Rachel think that the 'GUYS' who enter the dressing robe competion are going to wear it ??
    Don't be fooled.. she is really encouraging young boys (and possibly really EVIL young girls) to experiment with the EVIL Onanistic arts, paying no heed to the perils of blindness, dwarfism and Hirsute Palm syndrome.
    Complete lunacy !!

    Hey, just to prove there are no hard feelings show your support for the S Club 7 by purchasing one of these great items here.

    S Club Shopping spree

    Had fun here ??
    Then make sure you visit
    The Moon for more of the same.


    S Club 7's evil secrets is copyrighted to Covered in Bees Productions Productions May Y2K or 052000.
    The views expressed here are meant for humourous interpretation only..


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